Blame

Day 29 of a 30-day series originally published for Facebook April 2021

April is almost over and this little series will come to an end tomorrow. I couldn't let the month go by without addressing the blame game.

First, we do not know what causes Autism. The closest the medical community has come is to say that there is some type of genetic component and that it's NOT vaccines (we already talked about that one.) Despite this, from the very beginning when Leo Kanner first identified autism as a neurological disorder in 1943, society has been convinced it's the mother's problem. We don't know what, how, or why... but it's definitely HER fault.

Sadly, Kanner's blaming of the mother is just par for the course when it comes to both physical and neurological health issues in the United States. We have a long-standing history of finding blame both necessary and pinning it on the parents, the mother in particular. So much so, there are several studies about it as well as publications identifying the 4 types of blame we place on mothers.

1. The mother as Incompetent: she didn't see it sooner, she's not trying hard enough to help, she should be able to fix this, she's a mess, look at this chaos.

2. The mother as Too Assertive: she wants other people to fix this when she caused it, she's exaggerating the disability, why can't she handle this on her own, parenting is hard for everyone, you had him, you deal with him, stop relying on other people to raise your kid.

3. The mother as Passive: if she were more vocal, her child would have the help he needs, she's a weak parent, she needs to get tougher, she's spoiling him.

4. The mother as Career Woman: doesn't she have her priorities in line? If she were just around more often... That child needs his mom around. If not the mother, then who? If she can't do it, why does she expect other people to help? Well, she wanted it all, she got it all!

Beyond being both pointless and infuriating, this type of mom-shaming hurts children with disabilities and disorders. It makes them feel as though there is a reason to find blame, that they are a burden or problem, and this is NOT true.

"But please hear me, it is never beneficial to make a mother feel ashamed of what she considers to be one of the most important relationships in her life. If you really want to help parents living with a child that has special needs ― encourage them and show them they are not alone."

- Shawna Wingert-Autism parent